The Ten Pounds of Christmas

The Ten Pounds of Christmas

            I gain ten pounds every year at Christmas.

How is that possible? It’s easy. I start in October. Then I struggle to take off my “Christmas fat” in January and February.

            This shameful acquisition of the bulge begins in October with Halloween candy. (And I don’t have small children to blame its presence on.) Any candy that comes into this house during October is for yours truly. Terry, my significant other, may snatch a piece or two, but he’s not haunted by the same carb addiction as myself. October is candy month. Then there’s the snacking during football games—it’s an annual ritual—the home team couldn’t win if I weren’t encouraging them with the cheers of my crunching.

            Everyone knows what happens in November. In November I vow that I will NOT gain weight over the holidays this year. But, having made that vow, the terror of holiday goodie deprivation niggles at me. The only cure for this tweak of conscience is—guess what—you’ve got it—a bowl of buttered popcorn and the last of the Halloween candy.

            Then comes the mother of all eating events, Thanksgiving. It would be a sin to diet on Thanksgiving, wouldn’t it? How else would I show my thankfulness except by indulging in everything the buffet has to offer? Someone went to a lot of trouble to cook all that goodness; it would be rude to pass it up.

            I hardly need to remind you what December brings. But I will: parties, Christmas cookies on display everywhere you go, gifts of home made treats, boxes of fudge and chocolates . . . the list goes on.

            I’m not sure January would be the same without digging out my “fat” clothes, bemoaning my food transgressions of the previous ten weeks, and joining Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time. It’s all part of the post-holiday depression syndrome, that and the drifts of snow that nearly cover our west-facing windows.

Without the challenge of dropping our Christmas fat, the big diet agencies would lose millions, possibly resulting in another stock market crash. We wouldn’t want that would we? We have to protect our 401k’s.

So pass the potato chips and make mine kettle-fried. I’ll lose weight tomorrow.

Note from the author:

This blog on the holiday weight gaining dilemma will be continued weekly. Each week I’ll add a new tip on how to buck the weight gain.

Tip #1  Dealing with leftover Halloween candy

I turn it over to Terry, he locks it up in the garage, and only gives me two pieces a day, no matter how many I ask for. If you don’t have someone to hold your candy for you in a homemade Fort Knox, throw it out. But make sure it’s in the garbage with something disgusting enough to prevent retrieving it in a moment of mad craving!